When you are asked to do something that you don’t want to do: It can be difficult to say no especially when the other person is in a jam or sincerely just wants to spend time with you. You may not have a specific reason to turn down the request but you don’t want to hurt their feelings so you revert to an automatic “yes” even when this means letting someone else’s needs trump your own. Other ways to respond:
- Buy yourself some time to figure out what you want. Be honest and show gratitude for the effort the person is making. Ex: A friend invites you to dinner and you respond with something like “That’s very nice of you to offer. Thank you for thinking of me. I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you.” You can take the same diplomatic approach to turn down an offer. For example a friend asks you to volunteer for an event. Your reply: “Sorry, I have other commitments this weekend. I hope the event is a great success, and I’m sending you good vibes.” Also you can use “no/but.” A friend suggests going out to eat and you reply, “I’m going to say no to dinner, but I’m planning on going to the gym later if you’d like to come.” Or a colleague wants help with a project that’s beyond the scope of your interests or responsibility. Your reply, “I can’t but once I finsish with my current project, I’ll circle back to see if there is some way that I can support you.”
- When someone is overly critical of you with rude or thoughtless comments. Ways to respond…Avoid putting yourself in the line of fire if you know that the other person has a habit of being judgmental. For example: Your father asks you if you got your hair cut. Don’t set yourself up for an insulting comment by asking, “Do you like it?” Instead reply with “Yes, I did.” Use a qualifier before you share news or a personal dilemma with someone who tends to be a “fixer” such as “I’d like you to simply listen without offering advice or criticism. Just a compassionate ear.” Also offer more context about what you need from him or her before you share. “I love that you are always game to help me. What I need right now is for you to listen and have faith that I’ll figure it out on my own.” Shut down the “I’m just being honest” comments. Some people feel it is their duty to tell you how unflattering your outfit is or how badly you have messed up in your relationship. Reply with “I don’t recall asking you for your thoughts.” Or “what you call honesty, I call giving unsolicited and unconstructive criticism. Please don’t.”
- In the next blog I will talk about how to respond to people who refuse to respect your boundaries no matter how patient and skilled you are in setting limits and communicating your needs.
If you are having boundary issues, life coaching may be a helpful way to learn better ways of communicating. If you think I can help, please contact me at 361.442.9590 or holtadams2002@yahoo.com. Sometimes these are faster ways then just commenting on my webpage.